Better sit down for this….

Here it comes…  an attempt at writing some heavy shit.    One of the many bad things about depression is the lack of drive to do anything.   I’m probably in the deepest pit of depression that I have ever been in and its affected every aspect of my life.  I’m withdrawn, emotional, sleep a lot,  I’m fatter and more out of shape than I have ever been,  I’m teetering on the verge of diabetes and I think I have sleep apnea. Oh, and did I mention the suicidal thoughts?   I’ll  touch on that later.


I feel all this has stemmed since we moved where we did.  I’ve gone from someone who was pretty outgoing by nature, planned date nights with her husband (used to love to dress up pretty to go out)   to someone that stays in bed 99.9% of the time except to go to work or do something that was previously planned.    When I got married I knew I had married an introvert,  and for the most part I feel I tried to adapt to that. I know he doesn’t like to be in a lot of social situations so we steered clear of them.





However I never felt the reciprocation.   and now I don’t even feel the effort being made.  We just… exist.


and as a result my marriage is suffering, bad.


What did I do?  What could I have done different?    Why did things get this way?

I feel like I went from a happy marriage with occasional bumps to a situation where I don’t even know who I am anymore.


and that’s why im turning to this page.   To sort out what I’m feeling and hoping I find direction in what to do in the future.

Shifting into neutral for today

Cringe..  my last post was pretty dark and angry wasn’t it?    I’m sorry..   It’s obvious I had a bad day and needed to vent.   With me having nobody to really talk to about this sort of stuff anymore it’s built up to catastrophic proportions where i have outbursts like this.   Like i said before, i hope that over time I’ll have an easier time expressing my feelings like an adult rather than a volcano…

Like many others I was excited for the ‘reboot’ of the Roseanne show when they initially announced it and tuned in as soon as i could when it debuted.  The show was a big part of my growing up since everyone in my household watched it together.   Laughing together as a family, i didn’t know then is a priceless memory that I’ll always remember.  My mother especially loved Roseanne’s quick witted responses,  and my sister went as far as saying that in hers and mine’s relationship that she was the ‘Jackie’ and I was the “Roseanne’.   My sister was very non confrontational especially with our mom and they would have exchanges like Jackie and Beverly did on the show.  I would try to get her to stand up to mom as well as in other aspects of her life.   But anyway…

I was interested in seeing how the actors had progressed after being off air for so long.  How they would deal with the death of Glenn Quinn as well as the ‘death’ of Dan’s character.   All of it played out nicely and the new members of the cast were picked well.   The fact that DJ was in the army deployed overseas and now married to an African-American lady pays an homage to the episode where he had refused to kiss a little girl in a school play because of the color of her skin.  Becky was an alcoholic and Darlene appeared to be slowly moving into the role of her mom with her own two kids minus David.    Even Jackie had the same old lovable mannerisms although the political feud seemed forced  (Loved the ‘Nasty Woman” t shirt and pink vagina hat!)  It seemed like they picked up where they left off and made sure that the time jump was very well done.     I was getting into the storylines they were forming right down to the Opioid addiction they were inflicting on Roseanne..   then,  what happened.. happened.

I will go on record here and say that I don’t think Roseanne is a racist.   I feel she makes bad choices and tends to talk out of her ass which has gotten her in trouble on many an occasion ( it’s also made her the ‘edgy’ comic she is today so that’s good and bad?).  People feel they are invincible online and they can say or do anything without repercussions.  Should she have had her show taken away and fired?   I think the masses would have separated the way they were going to if she hadn’t been fired and then if her show was destined to fail after that it would have.   Just turn the tv off.  Don’t watch.   Instead, she lost her show and  was ripped to shreds online.  I feel it’s a bit much to have happened and from what I heard on the below podcast with Joe Rogan, this situation has destroyed her     How could it not?  The show was her life’s work and now it’s being run by someone else   Hopefully she finds some peace and can move on despite this.

Have I continued to watch the newly designed show?  Yup.  I still want to see how the story goes.  Is it the same without her?  Not at all.



This is a long podcast but in my opinion worth a listen.   She touches on her mental illness which isn’t a new thing to the public.   Again, that isn’t an excuse for what she did but with that knowledge what would all of this backlash do to even a mentally stable person??   (and do mentally stable people still exist somewhere?   asking for a friend)






What’s up? What’s sideways?

First attempt at a real blog and I don’t even know where to start…   there’s a lot and nothing going on all at the same time.   Yeah,  my world is completely disorganized.   I should just write every topic on a small bit of paper and put it in a hat to draw one each time I open this site up.


that’s actually not a bad idea….


The older I’ve gotten the more I appreciate my ‘quiet’ days.   Those are days where I have the house, my thoughts and my activities completely to myself.    I’ll plan a day like that if it’s in the near future and will actually get excited for it as it approaches closer.   On days like that I’m off from work,  can sleep in if I like.. but I tend not to since I like to get an early start of doing whatever I want even if it’s laying in bed watching reruns of Ghost Whisperer.  I’ll make scrambled eggs for me and for the doxies.   Family breakfast!   Then I’ll do housework and have dinner ready at the end of the day for someone when they get home from work.    It doesn’t sound very fancy but I love days like that.   Time to myself,  bed to myself,  house to myself,  anything and everything to myself.


Today did not go as planned and was a total disappointment.      I did nothing that I had vaguely planned for and ended up sleeping all day.   Why?  Because someone decided to ‘take a day off’ too.    Now, years ago I used to welcome days like that.  A day off with him was nice.   But lately It’s gotten out of hand.   I don’t see it as a day of leisure and to spend it with me rather than him just being lazy and copying what I am doing and I hate it so much.   He will call in to work because he was on his computer all night,  because he stayed up all night gaming,  because he watched tv all night.   Stuff that 15 year olds tell their parents why they can’t go to school the next day.. not an adult who has an important job.    As soon as I heard him mutter “I think I’m going to just take a day of leave…”    I wanted to throw my clothes on and just go into work even though it was my day off.   Because I knew how the day would play out.   Instead I just rolled over and went back to sleep.   I mean why fight it?   I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut about my days off so this doesn’t happen so often.   Depression is a cold hearted bitch and I am fighting a hard battle with it on my own which I’m sure I’ll get into at some point,  believe me.. having me upright in a chair right now typing on my computer is a huge step with how I’ve been lately!   When he’s home I have zero ambition to do anything on my own around the house.  It’s like the motivation is totally sucked out of me and I turn into a total potato.   Weekends are like that now.   Sleep the days away (but I don’t eat either so that’s a good healthy fast!)  because we never go out and do anything.     (I used to book tours through the local military mwr but I’m tired of that)     Basically I’m just going through the motions until I can wiggle my toes back on US soil once again.   Counting the days..

I hope my entries will be less rambling over time.  I used to be such a good blogger.


So yeah, that was my day today.. how was yours?   😦

Jumble brain

My God. Where has the time gone? I think the last time I looked at this blog was at least a few years ago.  I had good intentions on writing but couldn’t concentrate.  Lots happened.  Life happened.  Good and bad happened.   Now.. here I am again with intentions on writing.  Will I do it this time?

i hope so.  But not just for the ‘I have a lot to share to the world’ reasons.  It’s a bit more complicated than that.  My reason is that I feel this would be good therapy. I’m living back overseas….this time on the other side of the world and I’m depressed.  I’m hoping that getting all of this muck in my brain out it could help me learn to enjoy…life again.


Fingers crossed.  The challenge starts once again.


Wow… how’s this for the most vague update ever?    if you had told me a year ago that I would be sitting where I am right now I would laugh myself silly.   Yet here I am.. looking out the window of my hotel room in the area which will be our home for the next 3-5 years..




Of all the (dare I say?) hair brained schemes that my husband has had this one has got to be the biggest one yet.    When we returned from our second tour in Germany I swore we would never move back to Europe again.  Not only because it’s a huge deal to uproot our lives and re settle but also because the last overseas trip we had took its toll on my husband in a bad way.

He would go through these phases where he would skim usajobs for any possible jobs, promotions, etc.     Something about a day at work with drama would eat at him and he would virtually peer over the employment possibility fence to search for greener lawns.   I became used to getting emails from him like “Hey there’s a job opening in Salt Lake City!”  or “How about Georgia?”   etc etc.    I used to stress myself to pieces when he would get into these moods,   but it wasn’t until he sent me a “Kuwait?  What do you think?”   when I had a giant meltdown and learned that I needed to not take these moods so seriously.

Joke’s on me though…     when he sent me a “How about Japan?”   I chuckled and even shared the email with my co worker.   My friend cringed.    Since we both work at a veterinary clinic with primarily military clients we know the process of taking pets over to rabies free places like Japan, Korea and Hawaii.    Japan is one of the hardest that I’ve learned so far.. just the thought of putting all 4 of my anipals through the rabies FAVN process made my eye twitch and my bank account scream.    But nah.. it’ll never happen.


Konnichiwa from Japan!   It happened and after quite a bit of crap that will be featured in a future entry,  we made it here and are settling in.  Lately I’ve been clearing my head quite a bit and am getting back into the flow of wanting to write again.  It’s been a long road of emotions and personal battles, to put it mildly.     Currently I am on a jenky laptop that hurts my wrists when I type on it for any length of time.   I long to have a REAL computer again with a keyboard that I can comfortably set in a way to type instead of trying to on this shared laptop.   I hope to have my very own PC in the very very near future.   When I do,   get ready for some reading!    I wonder if anyone has ever started up a gofundme to purchase a ‘sanity PC’?  lol… tempting…


Until then I am going to sign off and hopefully writing again on a daily basis will once again become a reality.



I went to the live taping of @midnight. This is my experience…

This has been several months in the draft stage due to me not having a computer to finish it on until recently.   It’s nice to have something to type on that doesn’t require glasses in order to see.  But anyways,  for my 46th birthday I wanted to visit my family in California.  I’ve been away too damn long and really needed a dose of vitamin ‘C'(alifornia). My wonderful husband made the arrangements and opted to stay home so I could have some much needed family time with my nephew and his wife and 4 littles .  In preparing for my visit I decided to browse around the internet for ideas of things that my nephew and I could do together.  We both are huge Chris Hardwick fans, so I did some research and found out that 1iota ( offers audience tickets for many live tapings of shows such as @midnight….

by signing up for their website and submitting a request form giving a brief explanation on why you feel you should be selected as a part of their studio audience (I am assuming that originality in this portion of the request form may better your chances in it standing out from the other requests.   I totally played the birthday card on mine!).  I was given the option of requesting 1 or 2 tickets.  If you want to bring a guest, the site requires that you enter the name and email address of the person that is going with you.   After I submitted my request form I received a confirmation email acknowledging receipt of my request.  After that, it’s a waiting game… can check the status of your requested tickets in your 1iota account.  Mine were showing as ‘waitlist’.
A week or so later I receive an email informing me that my tickets request status had been moved from waitlist to ‘priority’!   Priority!  That sounded important!    Yay!   On the website you can once again confirm that you do want to go to the show and in the email there is a link where you can print out your ticket. I printed mine out and kept it safely in a plastic page protector.  

Wait…. does that ticket say ‘LIVE’?  Yep it does!   Because the show was on election night they decided to do a special taping.  Since @midnight covers topics happening in the world and current news, it only made sense that they would make election night (aka The Demo-pacalypse) the granddaddy of all shows extra special!

Of course, with any studio audience admission, there are rules that needed to be followed.

Upscale casual meant finding something cute to wear.  Since losing 60+ lbs clothes shopping has become fun again rather than a painful, embarrassing chore.  I had already decided for my birthday that I was going to wear a tiara all day! So i found a cocktail dress that matched my birthday princess tiara and at the last minute decided to also put on something i had acquired from Disneyland the day before…..   why not, right?!

The other instructions on the e ticket are pretty self explanatory.  No cameras, cellphones, food, drink allowed in the studio.  Understandable but I was bummed that I couldn’t at least get one photo sitting in the studio audience or…. even a selfie with Chris himself.  My nephew and i obeyed the rules though, (begrudgingly!)  and left our phones in the car.

Brian and I had originally planned to arrive a few hours early since we had no idea what to expect, and heading to Hollywood on the night of the election was a guaranteed shitshow, however our GPS directed us right to the studio down a series of residential streets. The next thing we knew we saw a couple members of the 1iota team waving us in. We got there just in time to get a parking space right in front!   Check in was a breeze and the staff at 1iota couldn’t have been nicer. They checked our tickets, ids, and asked if we had any cameras/cellphones.  (Again we were reminded to leave them in the car since photos and video were prohibited inside. 😢 *sniffle* no selfies with Chris and the guests…oh well, maybe some other time).

After we checked in we were directed to sit and wait on some benches located outside of the studio door.  We had gotten there early enough where we were at the end of the first of three long benches (think sports bleachers minus the height)   We met and spoke to a few people who had been guests of the audience before. One lady said she had just found out that afternoon that tickets were available so she cleared her schedule so she could attend (if I lived close by you’d better believe I would do the same thing!)   The 1iota crew were all so nice taking the time to stop and chat with several of the audience hopefuls as we waited to get an update on when we would be lead into the studio.

About a half hour before showtime we were finally filed in, grade school style in the order of how everyone had been sitting on the benches. Just outside the door of the studio was a taco truck with the name TREJO’S TACOS brandished on the side.  Brian and I were dying to grab a taco on the way out, but sadly they had closed by the time the show was over. *sniffle*

We were seated in the second row right in front of the stage!!! One of the lovely iota employees made a comment to ‘let the Birthday princess sit right near the front’ which made my night all that more special.  Yay!   The stage was done up with the election night theme (Murica!), and while everyone was being seated the Daily Show with Trevor Noah was showing on the tv on the stage.  Trevor was sitting at his desk with a bottle of pepto bismol next to him and recapping live election updates.   Since none of us had access to the inter webs and social media, we didn’t have any idea which way the presidential election was going.  The update was met with a mixed gasp and groan from the @ midnight audience.

Pretty soon the warm up comedian came out and started discussing what we were to expect when we went ‘live’.   This was a new venture for @midnight, so tensions were extremely high. He told us that usually the show was filmed in a series of retakes over the span of a couple of hours at most, but on this night everything would be done with mistakes and all in 30 minutes. Thirty minutes!  We were also told to not get up from our seats once the show started.  Some of the cameras passed right over your head and I would imagine could easily clock you senseless if one were to stand up quickly. Also, we were told to laugh more than clap. Applause would drown out the comedians as they played the game and cause the show to lag.

The warm up comedian was great!  Interacting with the audience and getting everyone involved and pumped for the show.  He asked me why I was wearing my tiara in which I simply answered “it’s my birthday!”  And when he asked me who gave me the tiara I said “I did!”  Doh!  Seemed a bit egotistical now that I look back on it.

Out walks Chris looking totes adorbs 😊 (fan girl reference, sorry!) albeit a bit stressed.  Everyone was emphasizing how intense this night was being the first time it was being shown live.  Anything could happen, so everyone was super focused.  Chris, with ear piece in place was listening in to the countdown of when the show would go live (as well as an update on the election)
One by one the guest comedians were introduced and walked out on the stage.

Paul F Tompkins! (A fixture on @midnight and I’ve totally been a fan since Mr Show!)

Whitney Cummings! (Comedy Central roast fame, not to mention the reason behind one of my favorite shows 2 broke girls (and Netflix’s Ridiculous Six)

RON FUNCHES!!! Need I say more?
Pretty kick ass lineup!
There’s me!  you can see the back of my head with the egotistical birthday tiara slightly sparkling in the lights…

The whole show went without a hitch, and for the most part us the audience remained well behaved during the live taping.   There was a guy behind us that exclaimed loudly when there was a mention by the comedians that weed was now legal in the state of California.  He let out a ‘WOOOOOOOOOO!” which people snickered at, but at one of the commercial breaks my nephew overheard one of the producers telling the guy to not do that again.   (Of course I’m sure he felt it was worth it since it warranted a response from Funches.)  Also in between breaks the makeup staff would rush out and freshen up host and guests, and Chris would check his laptop, phone and listen into his earpiece all at once.  He did come out once on break and personally thank the audience for being so great on what was a very tense night for everyone involved with the show.

Oh and there was a surprise appearance from Doug Benson… because… marijuana and tacos.
At the end of the show everyone filed our, we got into our car and headed home.  Overall we had a fantastic time and I had one of the best birthdays ever!  The show went really fast but I’m so happy that we were able to attend the first live taping  which happened to be ON my bday and had an amazing panel of guests.   It really made me miss living in California.  Maybe someday.  Maybe after Japan….
One more thing, at the very end of the show Chris went down into the audience and across each row ‘high fiving’ each of us.  When he got to the person sitting to the other side of my nephew, he somehow stumbled and landed a brief moment between Brian and me.   I may not have gotten a selfie with Chris, but I did get to play a part in helping him not fall onto the floor. lol.

If you are ever in the LA area and want to see a live taping of a show, whether it be @midnight or something else,  check out and see what they have to offer.  They are SUPER nice, and have some great opportunities to be a part of some really great events and live tapings (coughTalkingDeadcough).   Actually they aren’t just in California… just go check it out for yourself and I’d love to hear anyone else’s experiences.  Let me know!


One of my earliest memories of my grandmother on my father’s side was her telling me to never ever follow in my mother’s footsteps and be FAT. She would tell me that fat people aren’t the type of people that others want to socialize with.  “You don’t ever want to be fat like your mother!” (Did I mention that my dad’s mother wasn’t too keen on my mom?).  Back then as a little kid i would go home, look at my mom and not understand what grandma was talking about.  My mom wasn’t ‘fat’ at all.  She had what we would call today a ‘badonkadonk’ butt, but she was one of the last full time stay at home super wife/mom of the 70’s.  This label that was placed on her by my grandmother was unfair and cruel, and sort of introduced me to what body shaming was at an early age.  

Flash forward to my early teens and I would fluctuate on my weight pretty often. Nothing extreme but over time I noticed that clothes stopped fitting so well.  

My shameful secret. 

So I have a confession to make… A shameful, embarrassing, stupid thing that I did without thinking, without caring about the consequences.  I had just escaped out from under the thumb of my ex,  moved to Seattle and was suddenly exposed to a social life that didn’t have to be pre approved by anyone. Friends I worked with would go out dancing, bar hopping, wandering around downtown Seattle savoring the nightlife.  No, we weren’t sluts, that wasn’t our goal for going out.   We just wanted to have fun, dance, drink and laugh.  One of my friends had a little apartment a short walk (up a steep hill) from a club called the FENIX UNDERGROUND.  It was one badass club with multiple dance floors and music pumpin’ until 3-4am on weekends. We would go there and basically shut that place down then make the staggery trek (in our heeled boots) up that hill to her place to crash out.  One summer I think I slept on her floor more than at my own place.  

It was also during that time that I was introduced to Goldschlager.  Shots and shots of it.  I get nauseous even thinking about it now. 

But anyways, it was those series of events that lead me one day to do something especially stupid.  I got a really bad tattoo!  I haven’t shown many people this since I finally smartened up and realized that what I had inked on my pelvic area looked nothing more than a poorly drawn donut.  It was fully intended to be a halo. Why a halo?   Because that was my online persona nickname at the time.  So I went down to a tattoo place at Greenlake with a friend and we had tattoos done, side by side.  Hers was WAY cooler!  She had a pagan symbol inked in on the same area that I did. It was so impressive that the tattoo artist took pictures of hers after he was done.  Did he take any pictures of mine?   Would you?  ‘Nuff said.  

Since then I’ve fluctuated on my weight and my gut has bloated out my tattoo where I’ve just tried to forget I even have one down there.   But with my recent weight loss I’ve decided to work towards a new goal.  Once my tummy area is a bit more ‘firmed’, I want to get this ugly ass tattoo covered and have something prettier and more like me added there instead.  So far I’ve found some really beautiful ideas on Pinterest which I’m considering.  I’d love to put in a little tribute to my sister as well as a few other things that express me as who I am.  So far I’ve come up with these three ideas.   This will be a work in progress, and i still have a good 20 lbs to go until I reach my weight loss goal so there’s still time. I’m pretty sure this new tattoo i choose is going to hurt a LOT more than the halo did, but bring on the pain!  I’m really excited about this!  

My review on Nutrish zero grain cat food by Rachael Ray

Life has been traveling at such a high speed lately that I don’t know where all the time has gone. Influenster courtesy of Rachael Ray had sent me a generous sample of her Zero Grain chicken formula cat food to try out on my cats and get my opinion on the results.  Even though life has been moving pretty fast I can say though, that since all of this time has passed by I’ve had the chance to slowly transition my kitties onto this food permanently.  At first I was going to give them a temporary change because I wasn’t sure how they would react to it.  They made their point loud and clear that they absolutely love it!

I have tried to keep them on a high quality diet, but either they would grow bored of whatever they were eating eventually or they would play this annoying game of ‘pick out only certain flavored kibbles from the bowl’ until I would get frustrated and look for something else. My senior orange boy  Kwyjibo is like a toddler and loves cat treats so if he gets bored with a food he will just yowl for temptations or any other cat nummy.  

They took to the zero grain almost immediately and their enthusiasm when they hear their bowls jingling with the sound of the chicken formula kibble inside sends them running to their room to eat. I have a timed feeder for them and they can hear them running at the very first sound of mealtime.  

So now I can say all of my furbabies are now happily on Rachael Ray pet foods.  She really knows her stuff when it comes to the health and well being of dogs and cats. 
Rachael Ray’s Zero grain cat food gets two thumbs up from me and a BIG “Meowww-yummy!” from Kwyjibo and Mimi. 
Thank you once again Influenster and especially thank you to Rachael Ray for giving us the opportunity to do this review.  

Social media kills relationships

I won’t lie. The Internet changed my life….no, the Internet SAVED my life.    I met my husband online back before it was such a thing.  Before there were all these cases of catfishing and long, long before plenty of fish and e harmony was even thought about. Back then, if you wanted to meet people you gathered in a chat room and became an expert at speed reading while the conversations of multiple people scrolled across your screen.  

If it wasn’t for social media I wouldn’t be in the place where I am today.  There would have been no way our paths would have crossed otherwise. So in this sense I am thankful for that.  However, there is such a thing as too much social media.  Too much looking at a computer screen instead of looking into the eyes of your soulmate. Too much reading online articles instead of spending quality time with your soulmate, too much gaming (yes. There IS such a thing as too much gaming!), too much online shopping, too much internet!
I’m as guilty as the next person. I loves me my Facebook, my Influenster, my YouTube and my gaming.  A few years ago I would spend so much time on my computer that going to work and getting directly on the Internet was my daily routine.   If my ICQ chat wasn’t on I would twitch from lack of talking to anybody.  I gamed and would do so for days at a time.  Heck, I would message my husband while he was sitting across from me in the same room!! Nowadays everyone has some sort of device on them which has access to anything they need with just the click of a button.  If you go out in public and sit in a restaurant and look around you see people on their social devices instead of talking to the people they are sitting with. If there is a tragedy such as a house on fire, car accident, etc everyone around will most likely be grabbing videos or pictures to share on social media. It’s like, telling an old fashioned story isnt enough anymore.   Check out my Twitter, YouTube, Instagram or Facebook for the details.    

After a while though, I’ve grown bored with so much computer taking over my life.   I now look to the weekends as an opportunity to venture out and explore something new, or work on and or finish a home project that’s been on my mind.  I want to live while I can, since life is so fragile.  I want to do as much as I can while I can. 
Unfortunately as it stands now I’m alone in my household with feeling this way.  The same old routine still appeals to my husband and so we clash often on what to do in our spare time that we do manage to have together.   I never wanted to be that kind of wife that complains about how her husband never listens to her, but either I have grown more chatty in my old age or it seems that I do carry on one sided conversations more than not lately.  It’s not worth arguing over when we do get one on one time together, so I’ve reluctantly given more space.  In experiencing this I know I’m not alone.   I have heard countless stories of relatively the same thing, some stories worse Hopefully someday soon there will be a happy medium between internet usage and family time.  In the meantime I’ve been planning some sanity trips to visit friends and family. Solo. I think some much overdue social time will help decompress some of this frustration.