My shameful secret. 

So I have a confession to make… A shameful, embarrassing, stupid thing that I did without thinking, without caring about the consequences.  I had just escaped out from under the thumb of my ex,  moved to Seattle and was suddenly exposed to a social life that didn’t have to be pre approved by anyone. Friends I worked with would go out dancing, bar hopping, wandering around downtown Seattle savoring the nightlife.  No, we weren’t sluts, that wasn’t our goal for going out.   We just wanted to have fun, dance, drink and laugh.  One of my friends had a little apartment a short walk (up a steep hill) from a club called the FENIX UNDERGROUND.  It was one badass club with multiple dance floors and music pumpin’ until 3-4am on weekends. We would go there and basically shut that place down then make the staggery trek (in our heeled boots) up that hill to her place to crash out.  One summer I think I slept on her floor more than at my own place.  

It was also during that time that I was introduced to Goldschlager.  Shots and shots of it.  I get nauseous even thinking about it now. 

But anyways, it was those series of events that lead me one day to do something especially stupid.  I got a really bad tattoo!  I haven’t shown many people this since I finally smartened up and realized that what I had inked on my pelvic area looked nothing more than a poorly drawn donut.  It was fully intended to be a halo. Why a halo?   Because that was my online persona nickname at the time.  So I went down to a tattoo place at Greenlake with a friend and we had tattoos done, side by side.  Hers was WAY cooler!  She had a pagan symbol inked in on the same area that I did. It was so impressive that the tattoo artist took pictures of hers after he was done.  Did he take any pictures of mine?   Would you?  ‘Nuff said.  

Since then I’ve fluctuated on my weight and my gut has bloated out my tattoo where I’ve just tried to forget I even have one down there.   But with my recent weight loss I’ve decided to work towards a new goal.  Once my tummy area is a bit more ‘firmed’, I want to get this ugly ass tattoo covered and have something prettier and more like me added there instead.  So far I’ve found some really beautiful ideas on Pinterest which I’m considering.  I’d love to put in a little tribute to my sister as well as a few other things that express me as who I am.  So far I’ve come up with these three ideas.   This will be a work in progress, and i still have a good 20 lbs to go until I reach my weight loss goal so there’s still time. I’m pretty sure this new tattoo i choose is going to hurt a LOT more than the halo did, but bring on the pain!  I’m really excited about this!  

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Sigh of relief!

Now that everything is said and done I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and share… Recently I had an abnormal mammogram that was concerning to my doctors so I was referred to a hospital setting for more in depth testing. So, this morning I had a hot date with one of the PCRMC state of the art ‘squishing’ machines. In one of their hospital plush pink robes I was kneaded like a ball of pizza dough. “Stand here, lean in this way, hold your breath, etc etc etc” ( On the big screens on the wall I definitely saw the areas that they were trying to get a closer look at! ) but thankfully after one of their specialists was able to take a look at the new views they determined that there isn’t anything to be concerned about for now. To say it’s been a hellish couple of weeks has been an understatement but thankfully this has a happy ending. So thankful this has a positive ending for now, and also so thankful that I have friends who are supportive and put up with my rollercoaster o’ emotions during this whole ordeal. (and a man who isn’t ashamed to sit in the ‘Breast Center” waiting room while I had all of this testing done. In the back testing area between scans I met an older lady who told me about the ‘fella’ who was sitting by himself in the waiting room. I got to say “That’s my husband!” She replied with “aww, how sweet of him!” 

Yep

Fears were confirmed (to a degree)   My doctor wants to refer me to a specialist for more testing.   Doesn’t necessarily mean that’s a bad thing, but for the time being my mortality is being questioned more than ever.

Not going to say much more about this for now.  Don’t want to jinx anything,  but now it’s a waiting game on when I can get into that specialist for the further testing.

that bit of time where you are left in the dark….alone

Received a message yesterday on my voice mail from the doctor’s to return their call regarding my routine mammogram I had last week.   They had told me when I was leaving that day that if they were concerned about anything I would get a phone call back almost immediately.    Otherwise I would get a letter in the mail,  so basically ‘no news would be good news’.   So they have news.   NEWS.   The first word that came to mind was “FUCK”   Any normal person would react the same way I have… fear of what they are going to say   The unknown.   ugh.   WHY did they have to be closed when I tried to call them back?  Oh yeah,  because even breast center employees even have to go home to their families every now and then.    Instantly my stomach started doing backflips and I wanted to throw up.      It brought back memories of when my mom called me at my apartment in Auburn and told me she was FINALLY going to the doctor after years and years of not having insurance coverage.  “I’m finally going to go have a total lookover!”  she told me excitedly.     Years after her divorce from my dad she had finally gotten her life together to move on.   Then a month or so later came her cancer diagnosis.   Once I heard her tell me that all I wanted to do was fly to her side and hug her until all the strength had left my body.

I’m not saying I’m jumping straight to the assumption that what they are going to tell me is a bad thing.     Maybe it’s all the memories of my experience with her paired with the unknown that has absolutely rendered me emotionally crippled.   How can someone NOT feel alone and scared when you get a message like that?     I spent all last night cuddled up with my dachshunds crying myself to sleep over and over again.   Daisy, my little girl found a comfortable little spot under my cheek and would lift her head to give me supportive kisses on my face.   Gads I love that little dog!

So now I get to go off to work and try to get into an automatic pilot mode in order to get through the day.  I think I can do it,  as long as I focus hard enough.    I guess I wanted to jot down these thoughts live from the abyss of the unknown so tonight when I look back on this after I get the ‘you’re just fine!” message from my doctor I can look back on it with a chuckle.    Because it will be funny…

right?

Keep calm and check da girls!

Growing older means you have to endure occasional uncomfortable appointments with your doctor in order to ensure you’re healthy.   What also comes with age is feeling every ache and pain in your body and instantly resisting the urge to go to WebMD.com to try to diagnose what it could be.  Yep,  growing older and becoming a hypochondriac goes hand in hand,  sadly…   All we can do is take a good hard long look at our health and try to do the best we can.

So tomorrow I get to go to an appointment for a certain exam that women especially despise.

mammo1

What is a bit concerning is when I called to make an appointment they are usually booked out for at least a month,  however when I told them my age they got me an appointment almost right away.  I know I’m in the ‘higher’ risk due to my age,  so that’s great they got me in so quick… but how can I NOT feel a little unnerved over that?   Of course now that I know I have this appointment all of those phantom aches and pains are making themselves known ten fold.   It’s been very difficult to concentrate all weekend on anything but this appointment.  Thankfully my co workers and my supervisor are very supportive so I’ll have enough time to run home,  get a shower (“show up at your appointment wearing NO scents”) and then head there for what will hopefully be an uneventful procedure.

mammo2

Just gotta put out there though… I’m pretty damn scared right now,  I mean that’s normal, right?    I think I’ll stop for pie afterwards… pie always makes everything better.

“IDEAL”

I’ve been on a weight loss journey for about 8 months now.   It had gotten to the point where it physically hurt to do anything.   Walk first thing in the morning,  get in and out of the bathtub,  walk from the car into my job (seriously!).   I remember several years ago I was unemployed when we moved over to Germany for the first tour.    I would sit and play games on my computer for hours on end.    Days were lost just sitting and doing nothing else.   One day I was emailing my husband back and forth and I made a mention on how swollen my ankles were.    I think he jumped on WebMD from his work PC and looked up reasons behind it.    He emailed me “Can you press your finger into the swollen part of your ankle and make an indentation?”   I tried, and I could…   half the depth of my finger.   Usually that would be a serious red flag but I kept right on doing what I was doing.  I’ve gotten comments throughout the years from people here and there about my weight.   Overweight people ARE looked upon differently no matter what anyone says.  I have seen it, and I’ve experienced it.   So I decided to finally muster up the will power to do something about it.  I’ve fallen off the wagon a few times especially recently,  and I’ve been a bit worried to step on that scale to see just how much damage I’ve done by eating my feelings.  I’m proud to say that I’m at the same exact place I was  a couple weeks ago!  (doesn’t excuse the eating my feelings part)  but it’s such a relief to know I haven’t totally screwed up everything I had worked so hard towards.

So, with that being said what I’m about to say is still valid 🙂    I went into my doctor’s a couple weeks ago and asked him the dreaded question.   He knows I’ve been on this road to better health and weight loss and he’s been so supportive.   I asked him what my medical ‘ideal’ weight was.   I thought he was going to roll his eyes and say “Grrrrl, you sure you want to know?”    Nope!   He looked it up and I’m only 50 lbs from my goal.    50.   Fifty.   Not 100 like I thought I’d be.  I’m feeling inspired all over again!     Going to start off the new week with a renewed outlook on things.   50,   I can do this!

Hello from the week that would not end..

Oh my god I’m so exhausted!   I don’t know if it’s I’m not sleeping well or working too hard but I come home dragging.   Even too tired to eat most nights  (yum,  sleep for dinner!)   my mind has been wanting to blog but the rest of me just wants to lay in a comatose state until morning.    Then, at 3am when the doxies wake me up for their morning potty it’s time to start the day over again.   Wash, rinse, repeat..         at least I’m off on Friday.  I really need it!   Going to hopefully catch up on a lot of things I’ve been neglecting.

I was accepted for another voxbox!    Either today or tomorrow I should be getting one that has Calvin Klein products inside.   How cool is that?  I had so much fun with the last one it’s cool that they really do monitor what their members do and give them opportunities to do other ones.   One of my other friends was just notified she was getting one soon, I think a different one though.. they do several a month from what I have seen.    They always send you the tracking number on the box that is arriving so you can see where it is.  Right now mine is in Illinois.   Hurry up voxbox!

My weight loss is doing wonderful!   Went to the doctor today for a new bout of hip pain that reared its ugly head about a week and a half ago.   Turns out I either strained or partially tore my  Sartorius muscle most likely swinging my leg over to get out of bed one of these mornings when I’m half asleep and needing to take the pups out to pee.  I absolutely love my doctor,  not only is he thorough and listens to his patients’ concerns instead of just going all textbook with zero bedside manner… he takes the time to listen and educate you about what’s going on with you.   For instance, I had no idea that  the word ‘Sartorius’ comes from  early 18th century: modern Latin, from Latin sartor ‘tailor’ (because the muscle is used when adopting a cross-legged position, earlier associated with a tailor’s sewing posture).   Pretty cool although the injury itself hurts like hell.     So, now I get to figure out a different way to get out of bed.    I was given a steroid shot which helped a lot but it’s only temporary if I don’t let it heal.     I’m half tempted to bring my yoga ball back to work to use that as my desk ‘chair’.    That works wonderful in strengthening the tummy and thigh muscles.    My co worker’s rolled over a staple and deflated so I felt weird being the only one up front sitting on a big blue yoga ball so I took it home, but I may bring it back.  For those who have never tried exercises on one, I highly recommend trying it!   It keeps you constantly aware and in check with your posture and you can really feel the effects after using it for a period of time.

sigh,  so… what to post as a picture of the day?     While I don’t have anything vintage tonight to share, I do have another collection that I was thinking about bringing out since a lot of time and care was taken in these photos.  When I lived overseas I managed a facebook page for the veterinary clinic I was working for at the time.   A couple co workers and I agreed that posting pictures of their pets’ really helps boost morale and bring a good name back to the reputation of the military vet clinic.    Sadly they generally have a rep of being employed and ran by people who could care less about animals.  So many times we’d get snapped at with a ‘well I know YOU don’t care if my dog lives or dies!”    I can proudly say that while I was there my team really turned that public opinion completely around. (but then I left, and my team slowly left too and now the place is a hole once again)   Long story short though,  when I left the facebook page I had created lay dormant then was deleted altogether.    The public was told by the incompetent staff that remained that the page was never run by an employee but rather an imposter.   Pssh… whatever.   I know the truth and those that matter know the truth too.   The rest of them can suck it.

So I have lots of pictures saved from my albums that were on there of our communities’ beautiful furbabies.    Until I can get more old pictures scanned here are some cute animals.   Keep in mind that they are at the VET while these pictures are taken and either just got their vaccinations, a thermometer up their booties or had a microchip implanted (to name a few)   aside from all that, look how happy they are!    That’s how much we rocked the block when I was in charge,   Enjoy the ‘Puparazzi’ pictures and will try to write more tomorrow,  Hooah!

IMG_3475 IMG_3478 IMG_3479 IMG_3482 IMG_3484 IMG_3476 IMG_3513

My friend, the ocular migraine aura….

Actually I was just kidding about it being my friend.   Truth is, it’s really annoying.  I used to get them all the time and before I actually knew what it was it would scare the heck out of me.  It had been several months since my last one until this morning… about 10 minutes before I had to leave for my doctor’s appointment.    This is a good example what my vision starts off as when one hits me.

aural

It starts off where I find myself having a hard time focusing on things when i’m trying to read them.  Almost blurry but more so hazy.   Then my vision starts to feel as if someone splashed water into my eyes.  You know how a raindrop drips onto your eyeball and you have to blink a few times to clear it off?  It’s sort of like that only it looks sort of animated.    Even when you close your eyes you can see a squiggily like line moving behind your eyelids.   Pretty soon the area where the squiggle is gets bigger and bigger until that’s all I see.    I’m temporarily blinded for a short amount of time.   seriously..  I tried to tell my co workers before about this but I don’t think anyone really believes me.   I was happy in a twisted kind of way that I had this recent episode hit me so close to my doctor’s appointment this morning.   I feared in the past that  this happened when my blood pressure was up (it made sense to me,  high blood pressure = vessels in the eyes being affected) so I braved it and drove to my appointment feeling the squiggles getting bigger and bigger.   Luckily my doctor’s office wasn’t too far away and I made it just before it had reached its worst.   As I sat in the waiting room after checking in for my appointment I closed my eyes and waited for it to pass… which it did.   All in all the whole episode went on for about 15-20 minutes,  but when you lose your vision it feels like hours.    When my doctor took my blood pressure he said it was normal and the ocular migraine aura was most likely caused by a boost of serotonin in my system.   Yay..    Oh, and to make sure that it never goes past 15 minutes otherwise it could indicate a more serious problem.

I am fortunate with one thing… sometimes these things are followed by a brain splitting migraine.   These ocular thingies are commonly called a silent migraine, meaning there’s no pain associated with it but it can be an indicator that a huge migraine with pain is about to hit.   I guess I should count my blessings and be glad that I don’t have that part.    If I have to deal with a temporary blindness in lieu of being hit with a migraine then I’ll take the blindness.

It’s still scary though..