VPOTD (26 January 2015) “Dear GOD, people actually dressed this way?!”

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Yep, that’s me and X.   I claim temporary insanity for wearing this godawful outfit.   It was obviously Christmas time and I’m guessing the time frame was between 1989 and 1991.     We were at his father’s house celebrating the holiday which means I had to leave my house and venture out in public wearing this…     hideous.   from the checkered socks right up to the stupid bow on the top of my head.

I’m so glad I only have this picture as a reminder on how awful this outfit was and not any memories of odd looks and whispered comments as I walked by people.   Even now I am embarrassed for myself…

Burn in hell,   ugly sweater outfit… wherever you are!

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My friend, the ocular migraine aura….

Actually I was just kidding about it being my friend.   Truth is, it’s really annoying.  I used to get them all the time and before I actually knew what it was it would scare the heck out of me.  It had been several months since my last one until this morning… about 10 minutes before I had to leave for my doctor’s appointment.    This is a good example what my vision starts off as when one hits me.

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It starts off where I find myself having a hard time focusing on things when i’m trying to read them.  Almost blurry but more so hazy.   Then my vision starts to feel as if someone splashed water into my eyes.  You know how a raindrop drips onto your eyeball and you have to blink a few times to clear it off?  It’s sort of like that only it looks sort of animated.    Even when you close your eyes you can see a squiggily like line moving behind your eyelids.   Pretty soon the area where the squiggle is gets bigger and bigger until that’s all I see.    I’m temporarily blinded for a short amount of time.   seriously..  I tried to tell my co workers before about this but I don’t think anyone really believes me.   I was happy in a twisted kind of way that I had this recent episode hit me so close to my doctor’s appointment this morning.   I feared in the past that  this happened when my blood pressure was up (it made sense to me,  high blood pressure = vessels in the eyes being affected) so I braved it and drove to my appointment feeling the squiggles getting bigger and bigger.   Luckily my doctor’s office wasn’t too far away and I made it just before it had reached its worst.   As I sat in the waiting room after checking in for my appointment I closed my eyes and waited for it to pass… which it did.   All in all the whole episode went on for about 15-20 minutes,  but when you lose your vision it feels like hours.    When my doctor took my blood pressure he said it was normal and the ocular migraine aura was most likely caused by a boost of serotonin in my system.   Yay..    Oh, and to make sure that it never goes past 15 minutes otherwise it could indicate a more serious problem.

I am fortunate with one thing… sometimes these things are followed by a brain splitting migraine.   These ocular thingies are commonly called a silent migraine, meaning there’s no pain associated with it but it can be an indicator that a huge migraine with pain is about to hit.   I guess I should count my blessings and be glad that I don’t have that part.    If I have to deal with a temporary blindness in lieu of being hit with a migraine then I’ll take the blindness.

It’s still scary though..

 

When a boy kills a friendship…

Have you ever thought about someone from your past just out of nowhere for no reason?   Someone you haven’t spoken to or even thought about for well over 20 years?  Last night I had a dream about this person, and just like back when we were both kids, we were friends again.

It was the beginning of the  summer of 1986,  My pride and self esteem had just been completely trampled on being  freshly ‘dumped’ by the boy that eventually I got back together with and made my life miserable for the next 12 years,  so I completely immersed  myself in my friends in order to stay busy and be as active as possible so I wouldn’t be tempted to sit home and sulk.     This was going to be MY summer, damnit!   So,  that particular day my friend and I were headed on our bikes to the library.    The local library was only down the end of my street then a block over so we frequented it a lot during summertime.   Back then our idea of a good time was curling up in one of the beanbags on the floor and reading books for the summer reading Olympics thingie they did every year.   We were even really too old to sit in on children’s  storytime with ‘Lolly” the librarian but we did anyway.     yeah, I was a party animal..   but anyways…

I don’t remember exactly who all was there that day but I do know that was the day I met C.   She was sitting on the sign  of the Southeast Torrance library with a few of her friends yelling at cars going by. (back then you weren’t in danger of getting your face shot off just by acting like a stupid innocent teen)   I don’t remember the details of how we all got to talking but pretty soon I was up on that sign next to her and her friends laughing, talking and  shouting at cars too.    After that we became inseparable. Up until then I was pretty much a recluse when it came to friends.  Sure,  I HAD friends.. but I wasn’t a social butterfly that was invited to parties and absorbed myself in social groups like the other kids my age did.   I chose to hang around a small handful of people and stuck with those same people until one moved away and the other dropped out of school.   So, if my small clique of friends weren’t around  I went off by myself.    Thing is, it didn’t bother me.  I had teachers in grade school always call my mother with concern giving her reports of me sitting off by myself during recess when my friends weren’t there.  My teachers feared I had a social disorder but I think I just preferred to stick to what I was comfortable with.   She lived about 6 streets up from me which was an easy walk or bike ride every day to hang out.   That first summer was a blast.   We had formed  a small group of  her  friends that would sneak out late at night and cause what we called back then ‘mischief’.     We uprooted stop signs (when they were still easily lifted  wooden posts pushed into the soil and not metal posts in concrete) ,  Century 21 signs and carried them around,  pushed each other around in shopping carts and was home before daybreak.  We experimented with wine coolers (that was serious booze to us back then!)  and prank called people from school that we didn’t like.   We spent countless hours at the mall,  going to the beach and living the summer the way any teenage girl should live it.    She knew I was pining for a boy and I did blabber on about him occasionally…( ok, more than occasionally I would have probably throat punched me if I were her!)  My goal at the end of summer was to show up on my first day as a sophomore looking drop dead gorgeous and win back the boy who I thought was the love of my life.   She listened to all my banter over that and offered her support as best as she could.   Hell,  looking back on all of this  I don’t know how she did it without slapping me silly .    During that summer though we spent pretty much every waking moment together and I can say that she quickly became my best friend.    She fit the definition of what I had originally blogged about that a best friend is,  to a tee.   I’ll always remember that summer as one of the bests ones of my young life.   Getting to know her brought me out of my shell socially and made me some amazing memories.

Fast forward to the end of summer to the first day of school.   I showed up looking fine!   I’ll never forget… black denim mini skirt,  sandals and a pink and black top (it was the 80’s.. that was the style so no hating!)   I wish I had a picture of what I looked like that day.  My plan worked and I made Cris’s jaw drop to the ground.  (much to the dismay of the high school Banner Squad girls who all had crushes on him)  I didn’t care… I had just experienced an awesome summer, met some new people, made a new best friend and now won back the boy I thought I was meant to be with.

X’s father got him an apartment a few miles down from the high school for convenience,  threw a bunch of money at him and headed back to his soon to be ex wife in Alhambra. His dad considered his son an annoyance most of the time, and so just giving him wads of cash that were supposed to be going towards his child support made him feel like he was taking care of him.    He wasn’t.  X had no grip on reality and knew that if there were any problems he had gotten into that his dad would pay it away.  No amount of money could, however take care of the new friendships I had made over the summer.   That hurt his pride because he wanted to be the center of my universe.   Everyone remained neutral as long as possible.    Most likely occasionally exchanging glances with my mother who had now begun to full on hate him.  She saw what being with him was doing to her daughter, but I didn’t listen.   All she could do was helplessly sit back and watch me make bad decision after bad decision.

My best friend had sort of staged a bit of an intervention for me.   She had our group of friends come over and they tried to convince me that I could do much MUCH better than him.   In fact,  it was right during that time when a fellow classmate approached me and admitted he had feelings for me.   He asked me out on a few dates, and then to prom which I accepted.   Truth be told, I had begun to grow tired of living under X’s thumb… but his temper and constant threats of suicide made me feel obligated to stay with him.  He pretended like he needed me, but what he really needed was someone to stay with him that made him feel good about himself.   When I had no self esteem I was easy to manipulate blah blah blah.   The more that happened the more I noticed my once close friends were slowly pulling away

The straw that broke the camel’s back happened one night when C decided to have a party at her house.  I think it was a birthday party if I remember correctly.  I do know that the Disney movie Lady and the Tramp was rented that night so we could sing and purr along to the Siamese Cat Song.  Well,  the X got word that I was at C’s house and drove over.  I should have never went out to talk to him that night… that’s something I’ll always regret.   Because I went out there,  this was the night that mine and C’s friendship abruptly ended.   I don’t know how much she heard of what was going on between me and him in front of her house but X kept telling me to get in his car and I kept telling him no.  He then lit up a cigarette to try to upset me and puffed on it for a while.  I think I called him stupid for doing that and then told him I was going to go back inside to spend the evening with my friends.  It was then that the X pulled out a knife.   Things got scary very fast.   He told me if I didn’t get in the car he would hurt everyone I cared about.   There was also a claim of him having a gun underneath the front seat which turned out to be a lie,  but I got in the car with him that night and we drove away A few of the people at the party called the police and they chased after us.  He drove us to his apartment with the police in close pursuit,   They spoke to the X and it was determined it was a simple domestic incident between he and I.   I should have told them about his knife and about the threats, but I kept my mouth shut.  Well   after that night C never spoke to me again.   We went from being the very best of friends to strangers.   She had nothing to say to me and so we both went our separate ways.   I know I wrote a letter to her once not long after that incident,  I mailed it to her home address and got no response.  In 1998 when my mother succumbed to her brain cancer  I half expected to hear from her since our moms were friends,  but I got nothing.  After that I tossed out any pictures we had together and considered her dead from my life.   I could have really used her friendship during that time,  having a family member dying should trump any stupid argument in my opinion.  At least I know I apologized to her for being an idiot and the fact she didn’t accept the apology is something I’ll have to live with I guess.   X wasn’t worth losing my friendship with C but I learned that a little too late,  chalk it up to bad timing  😦

Something I need to get out

Call it “thought vomit” because it’s been on my mind for so long I’m about to scream if I don’t at least write about it.   Usually the person I would call when I was having these issues is my sister and well…   she’s gone.   I’m hoping that once I can get this all out I can feel even just a little bit better.   SO sick of being frustrated over the same damn thing.

Is it just me or do other people have this problem-  that at some point in their lives that people tend to tune them out more often.   Suggestions, opinions, even just venting to release some steam after a long stressful day fall upon deaf ears.  For instance,  when my significant other is sick I go into ‘how can I get him to feeling better asap’ mode.   I guess I got that from my mother?    It’s not meant to be a nag but rather just trying to help.   Anything suggested whether it be “drink more fluids’  (note:  diet coke is NOT a suitable “fluid”)  to “hey, did you take your medication this morning yet?  you should do that now to keep on schedule”   It’s like I’m shrugged off and my opinions and suggestions don’t matter and it hurts me more than it annoys me.  I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to help someone I care about.    Another example.. the workplace.    Between the busy times when there are lulls it is nice to take a breather and chit chat with fellow co workers.  I like to bring some laughter into where I work since working where i’m at can go from zero to 100000000000000 on the stress scale.  Well, I’ll be halfway into a discussion with someone when someone else will come out of nowhere and just interrupt.   Talk over me and pretend like I’m not even there.    Usually the subject is changed as if what I had to talk about never really mattered anyway. A few times I was apologized to after the fact by the person I was originally talking to.  Having that happen puts them in an awkward spot.     Rather than just try to increase the volume of my voice in an attempt to dominate the conversation that was originally mine, I just turn around and go back to work finding something to do.  I’ve learned it isn’t worth it if it’s that easy to do that to me.  Fuck em,  but I gotta ask though goddamnit… does this happen to other people???

My sister passed away from multiple health problems.  She was diabetic, overweight and had incontinent problems alopecia and im sure a few other things she never wanted to tell me about.   I always tried to help her with her diabetes.   I think I even sent her some information on diabetic meals and healthy cooking,  but her idea of eating was buying 2 foot long subs from Subways and eating a quarter sandwich for every meal.   In fact, when she died she had subway sandwiches in her fridge that had recently been purchased.  I always have wondered if I could have helped her just a little bit more if she’d still be here today.

When it comes to the career I’ve chosen for myself.. I love doing what I do.  I’ve had the opportunity to work at different places and obtain hands on  experiences that most could only get if they went to school (I wish I had gone to college but I was stupid.. end of story)  because of that I have always loved sharing my experiences with others.  I’m hardly a ‘know-it-all’ in any sense but life experiences can be worth their weight in gold.  Maybe I do come off as a know-it-all,  so maybe that’s why I am easy to ignore.  I don’t know, and honestly I don’t have the energy anymore to try to figure it out.

Anyways, just wanted to get that out.  Hopefully I’m not the only one that feels this way

VPOTD 20 January 2015

Lion Country Safari.    Long since extinct from Southern California but it stood proudly in Irvine for 14 years before it finally closed to make way for a water park.  I was soooo young back then but I do remember vaguely sitting in a hot car riding with my parents as they tried to point out lions and tigers in the distance.  I never remembered the animals being like the ones in the brochure.   They were always sleeping soundly underneath shade somewhere in the distance.   Maybe that’s why they eventually shut down,  too many people getting out of their cars in search of their photo op with the Bengal tiger or elephant with baby.    Wouldn’t surprise me at all!

So, the history about this picture is that is my mom and sister.    My mom’s hair was pretty wild back then but from what I remember that was the in style.  If you watch any of those vintage ‘Match Game’ episodes on GSN from the mid to late 70’s just about every woman that comes on there has a high hairdo.  I know mom Aqua Netted her hair practically to death.    I never related that smell as hair spray,  it was more ‘mom smells’ since she used it so much.   On this day my dad and I had taken a separate jeep in front of them and we were waiting for my mom and sister to catch up.   As soon as they came out of the tunnel behind them mom threw up her pointing finger as if to say “oh no you AREN’T taking my picture!”    *click*   Dad went rogue and snapped a picture anyway.. hence this funny moment 🙂    Mom was always pretty hyper critical of my dad.   She loved to pick at him when people were around as sort of an attention seeking joke.   I didn’t realize it was wrong or that it really affected me until I caught myself doing it to my husband.   I can proudly say that once I figured that out I never did it again,   kids are sponges.. they soak in anything they see.     But back on topic.. this picture was taken at Lion Country Safari sometime in the 70’s and much to my mother’s dismay judging by the look on her face.   hah.. poor mom 🙂  at least my sister is smiling.

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Happy thoughts

happy thoughts

We keep happy memories filed in the the back of our minds so we can bring them out to remember when you need a smile.   Have you ever been someplace beautiful or experiencing something absolutely breathtaking when you think silently to yourself   “Never forget this moment as long as you live”  You immediately open all your senses in order to try to remember every single detail from the smells, how the wind feels blowing through your hair and the wonderful, free feeling of having no worries at that very second in your life.   It’s your very own Peter Pan happy thought, so to speak because when you take yourself back to that moment you swear you can fly!

I had one of those moments last week

A couple months ago my husband and I went on a cruise to the Bahamas.   First cruise ever and hopefully not the last.   It was such an amazing time!    The ship, our cabin,  all of the shows and dancing and music and the waitstaff.  Oh, the waitstaff!   They treat you like royalty!    On that ship amongst the passengers there was an unspoken rule.   Nobody discussed the fact that  this vacation we were on would eventually end.   It was a taboo subject.  After having such a wonderful time nobody wanted to return to the ‘real world’  with hardships and responsibilities.

One of our stops was at a private island called Little Stirrup Cay.    We boarded a smaller boat from the cruise ship that took us to the island and then we had the day to do whatever we wanted.  It was beach and sun surrounded by tropical’ness for a whole day!   The feeling of walking around that island surrounded by nothing but sand, clear blue water and coconut trees was paradise.   After taking a trip out to ‘Stingray City” and encountering an enclosure full of stingrays  (yes, we got to pet and hold them!, I wanted to cry I was so excited!  )   We went out to the beach area to dip our toes in the ocean.   I remember every detail of that day right down to the temperature of the water and the feeling of the fish whisking past my legs.  There were needlefish and puffer fish that swam around us as if it was nothing.  Looking at tourists’ legs and feet must be the norm for those fish.  The beach was easily waist high at least a quarter mile or more out towards the ocean.   My husband and I walked out into the ocean headed for the deeper water for a while until I found a rock that was deep enough to kneel on.   There were most likely hundreds of tourists on the same island that day but where I was it didn’t feel like it.  I had my own little piece of paradise right there sitting in that salty ocean.   IMG_1245 IMG_1244

So as I was saying,  last week was rough. Some family drama going on as well as trying to get a handle on juggling a job and keeping the house from falling into disarray.  I think as I’ve gotten older I have developed more OCD behavior when it comes to cleanliness.   I can’t stand mess,  but some days I’m so tired when I come home that I don’t have the energy to do anything.   Then the next day is the same thing,  and the next,  rinse, wash, repeat.   By midweek I was so flustered I went outside and sat on the front porch (in the below freezing temps) and just needed to collect my thoughts.    I thought back to that day on the beach and how it felt to be carefree and relaxed at that very moment.   The feeling of the fish swimming past my legs and even how it burned my eyes when I accidentally splashed a little bit of that salt water up in my face.

A few minutes of pondering that and I felt a lot better.   Main reasons were,  it was my own memory that I made from experience and it shows that life isn’t all bad.   Through the tough times there are moments that you can escape to in your mind that helps make getting through it even if just a little bit easier.   It also inspired me to start planning for that next opportunity where I can have my next adventure and make more memories.    Life is what you make of it,  and even though I can be the poster child of depression I’ve been getting better at remembering that.

So close your eyes and breathe the next time you are having a bad day.  I’m sure you have something stuffed away in your memories to make you feel like you can fly.   Just think of a wonderful thought…

RVPOTD 18th January 2015

eighteenth birthday cake

The cake I had for my eighteenth birthday!   It was made for me as a surprise from my mom and sister.  Roger Rabbit was ‘the’ Disney movie back then (should tell ya what year it was then)  so I got a lot of RR themed goodies.   Somewhere in my bag o stuffed animals I even still have my stuffed Roger Rabbit,  back when Disney stuffed animals didn’t look so ‘cookie cut’ like they do today *shakes cane*   yeah yeah.. I sounded like an old codger right there but come on,  don’t you miss some of the cool things from yesteryear?   My cake wasn’t silk screened on or didn’t have layers of different flavors or exotic fillings.. but it was all mine and bought with love by my family 🙂

Living in a world with no mirrors

I belong to Influenster where they send out products to try for free in exchange for my opinions and endorsement.  So far I’ve had fun doing it as I’ve gotten some cool stuff.   You also go to their site and do certain tasks in order to gain ‘badges’ which qualify you for possibly being picked to get more free stuff to try.   It’s a never ending loop,  but it’s been fun!

One of the tasks I was given was to go to youtube and watch a video by the company that makes the product “No7 Protect & Perfect ADVANCED Serums”.   I had never heard of this before I received it in my voxbox so I got to try it without hearing anything about it,  good or bad.    It’s a nice product,  although I wish they had sent a little bit more in order for me to form a more accurate opinion about it.    The amount I received is less than what you get in a packet of shampoo sample.   I’m not saying they should hang out full sized bottles for samples but maybe a week or so in order to see if it actually does make a difference in your skin.  With that being said I’m more than willing to purchase a bottle on my own,  but just not right away.    When I do though, I’ll share the experience 🙂  But anyway..
like I was saying, one of the tasks was to watch the video which is here,  it shows 8 women trying the product over a period of 4 weeks and then revealing the difference as they look at themselves in the mirror for the first time…  after 4 weeks!      Yep, no mirrors for 4 weeks!   Would you be able to do that?     Several years ago there was a tv show called “The Swan”.    It was a reality show that women agreed to undergo extreme plastic surgery and other cosmetic reconstructive procedures as well as drastic weight loss and vigorous exercise regimens in order to compete to be the contestant that shows the most change when it comes time to reveal yourself in the mirror.   These women were placed in an environment with no mirrors anywhere.. no possibility of even catching a glimpse of what you may look like anywhere.   Those that were caught with mirrors were immediately disqualified.   On the results show they had each contestant walk up to a curtain covered mirror and filmed their reaction as they see themselves for the first time in weeks.  I just looked up on youtube for a video of the show and came across this.   Bear in mind even this where are they now video is years old so who knows where these girls are today.   I just always thought the fact that they went through such altering procedures and were not allowed to look at their reflection was cruel.  I don’t think I could do it, even if they got free lipo and cosmetic surgeries.   I would have probably snapped a week in,  probably less.    Would you live in a world without mirrors by choice?   I do see some pros living that way,  but I don’t think I could get past the cons!

Bonus VPOTD and a thank you from the bottom of my heart

Wow! I keep getting email notifications that so many people are liking my entries on here.   You have no idea how much that means to me.  I appreciate those who stop by to see what I have to share from my life, family, and experiences

and I still have so much more as soon as I’m able to sort it out in my mind.

Years ago I had a livejournal that I wrote daily in.   I had so much fun doing it.   Writing is good therapy I have come to discover so… thank you all for being a part of my own little corner of wordpress.

Aww!  Look at the cute baby with the alfalfa point on the top of her head!   That’s my half sister in all her cuteness.  Taken mid 1958  I don’t think this picture could be any cuter if it tried.   I love these simple older pictures.  No backdrops,  no fluff,  no props.  Just a baby with a happy expression.    Some people make their family photos too complicated these days.   Give me one like this any day!

baby sis picCoochie coochie coochie coo!

Thank you all again for stopping by!

VPOTD (12 January 2015) from Grandma’s closet

IMG_1583 IMG_1587 IMG_1589 IMG_1588  This was in surprisingly good condition found in a box of my grandmother’s things.  I have no idea of all the articles of clothing that this one was chosen to be kept.   Grandma owned a lot of nice clothing.   She had an eye for fashion,  frequenting high end department stores such as Macy’s, Bullocks and Saks.   So far I haven’t found a picture of someone wearing it but how cool would that be?   There is only a minimal amount of wear to the inner  insulated quilting and the red velvet isn’t as soft as I’m sure it used to be when it was brand new but it’s definitely wearable.    I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do with this, but it would be a shame to toss it out after having it kept so pristine after all these years.

Would make a very pretty Little Red Riding Hood costume… what do you think?