The following is a vent and nothing more. I’m not planning anything drastic or stupid so there is no need to worry. I just feel that if I keep all of these emotions bottled up for much longer it’s weighing on my health as well as my soul. Maybe if it’s all out I’ll be able to deal with it easier. At least I hope so.
Lately I’ve been having more issues staying motivated and finding things that keep my interest for any length of time. When I’m not at work, I feel like I am not accomplishing anything worth while and would much rather be sleeping . When I sleep I have a good chance of dreaming and my dreams have felt better to live in than reality. I forget things very easily now and I know I frustrate those close to me when I am scatterbrained and seem more ‘helpless’ because I can’t accomplish a simple task. I don’t know if this is typical of a midlife crisis, hormonal, an ‘uber’ form of depression or what because I don’t have anybody who would understand to ask… but things just don’t feel right. I don’t feel like the person I once was, and not knowing if this is just a temporary phase in my life is really scaring me. I keep hoping one day I’ll wake up and everything will be back to normal, but the longer this goes on it feels like that will never happen. It’s a very dark and lonely way to feel… and I don’t know how or why this happened.
I am happily married, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I could imagine my life with anyone else in it, but even he has changed towards me. He has a very stressful job and over time has allowed it to consume his life, both work and home. I’ve always supported him in his career paths and for the most part I don’t feel that I fit the stereotypical “nagging wife” definition.
I met him on the internet back before dating on the internet was a huge thing. I wasn’t looking for anybody but God knew I needed someone so there he was. Our first weekend meeting face to face was carefree and so, so amazing. We had a chance to get to know one another online before meeting face to face so that helped our meeting be less awkward overall. We spent a wonderful weekend in Lake Tahoe and without even needing to say it decided that we would spend the rest of our lives together. Now, all of the things that he said he loved about me back then seem to irritate him now. For instance, he said he used to love how spontaneous I was. We once made a pact to never fall into a routine. Why? Because routines are boring! We said no matter what curveballs were thrown at us in life, that we would do whatever we wanted because at heart we would always be young, even if one of us was in a wheelchair. “You keep me young” he once said, and I had a talent of making him laugh (I love to hear him laugh) A few months ago we were both wide awake on a Saturday night and I leaned into him and said “Let’s go to Denny’s!” When we lived overseas we would often make comments on how we missed good old American 24 hour diners so I figured my mentioning it may not end up with us going to Denny’s but may get a chuckle from him and remove his nose from his computer screen long enough for a short conversation. Instead, I got an annoyed sigh and the reply “NO, ARE YOU KIDDING? it’s TWO THIRTY IN THE MORNING!”. After that I just turned over and made myself fall asleep. That was the last time I ever suggested anything spontaneous.
I hope I am able to sort things out where I can be happier eventually. We have a vacation coming up and I’m hoping without the distractions of the internet and other electronics that maybe we can learn to fall in love with one another again. Start over again in a lot of ways..? I miss who I was a few years ago, back when I didn’t feel like I was always saying or doing the wrong thing and when the thoughts inside my head would come out of my mouth a lot easier. Back when I made people around me happy rather than frustrated and when I wanted to be awake rather than laying in bed on the weekends hoping to sleep straight through to Monday when I finally get to go back to work where I feel important and needed
I lost my parents way too early in life.. and right now I would give anything to be able to have them here now to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright.
Have you ever drawn up a conclusion of someone you have never met based on what others have said about them? I’m sure you have… everyone has at some point in their lives. Especially in grade school. “Ugh! That new girl is such a slut! I heard blah blah blah blah about her!” Gossip and rumors.. childish shit. Yet first impressions are always such an important thing it can really distort your view of someone whether you mean to or not.
In the 7th grade a new girl arrived at our school. Her name was Shannon. I remember she had a mouth full of metal, wore bright red lipstick , her hair curly and pulled back in a barrette . Almost to the day that Shannon started there the rumor mill (aka the henhouse of popular girls that didn’t have anything else better to do than start up drama) started in on her. There was rumors flying everywhere as to WHY she had started at her school (she was pregnant? Runaway? She was kicked out of her old school? She had MONO?) every single possibility flowed from lips to ear of the kids in my class. Whether it was true or not, her ‘reputation’ at my school was ruined before she got to say hello to anyone. Kids whispered behind her back while she walked around with a bright smile just as friendly as she could be to everyone. Eventually she must have caught wind of what people were saying about her, but back when I was growing up there wasn’t any Jerry Springer style smack downs out on the playground, so she held her tongue. She had a small group of friends that she hung out with (the ‘outcasts’ as dubbed by the henhouse) Now that I look back on it, Shannon didn’t last at my school for very long… I wonder what happened to her.
Once you graduate and leave school that same hen house mentality follows you out into the adult world. In work places people tend to form cliques and that can either make or break YOUR future in that company if you don’t measure up. I’m sure everyone has been given the run down on the employees to watch out for on a first day of a new job. “So and so is trouble! He/she lies! don’t trust so and so!” I started one job and felt so threatened by a fellow employee that I hadn’t even met yet because of my co workers who wanted to warn me about how awful they were. Funny thing is, after I did meet this person we became quite close friends with over time. They weren’t as evil as everyone made them out to be… it was just that typical drama llama bullshit Gossip, rumors. I’ve been on all sides of the spectrum with that. I’ve lead, followed and been ‘voted off the island’ because I just wasn’t good enough.
Through the years I’ve become more reserved around people. I used to be very outgoing and social, wanting to join in on team building events, social gatherings, etc. Nowadays I’d rather just do my job and go home, distancing myself from the drama. Many mistake it for being angry or aloof when I sit quietly. I’ve lost count of the times people judge the look on my face as something bad when all I am doing is trying to stay in the background (“Geez! Look at your face! *horrified look*). I used to try to explain to people that’s just how I am but I’ve since given up. Those that care enough to get to know me KNOW the real me. It’s like most people would rather just rely on their own opinions of you rather than trying to get to know who you are. It’s that which is making this world a very very unhappy place.. 😦
This topic came to mind lately when someone new arrived where I work. This person has had daggers for me from day one and I have no idea why. I know gossip (especially amongst an office full of females) runs rampant everywhere and I’m sure since I have developed the title of ‘angry aloof’ that conclusions are being assumed that I’m not a nice person. I’ve overheard everyone talking about everyone so that doesn’t surprise me.. what bothers me is it feels like I was the topic in a ‘watch out for this person’ discussion. Part of me wanted to take this person aside in the beginning to try to find out why I’m being treated like I have a horn growing out of the center of my forehead. Getting all of this out of my brain and onto these pages though, I’ve decided that it’s not worth my time. People nowadays are going to think exactly what they want to. You can’t please everyone in this life and so it’s more important to focus on those that DO appreciate you for who you are.
Bottom line.. to hell with them, it’s their loss.