Time to get back on the wagon

bikini me n lau

This is me (on the right)  circa a LONG ass time ago.   The girl I’m with is one of my best friends in the entire world and we are at some water park near Reno, Nevada.   We thought it would be cute to buy matching bikinis (and we pulled it off in my opinion!)  of course the dark story behind the condition of my body is that at the time I was with someone who body shamed me into an eating disorder (I would buy a pair of jeans or some other article of clothing a few sizes too small on purpose then absolutely wreck myself until I could fit in it… even if it meant drinking straight peroxide to induce vomiting… yeah.. let’s not get into that)   I saw myself through different eyes back then.  Manipulated vision, I like to call it.   Now that I look at it over 20 years after it was taken,  my friend and I looked DAMN good!

I think this picture was the last time I ever wore a 2 piece bathing suit.  Not that I will ever wear one again..  my body just doesn’t like 2 piece anythings anymore,  but I’m going to work on getting my body back into the less ‘fluffy’ form.   I had done it over a year ago and had amazing progress,  but then fell off the wagon after a huge falling out with one of my now ex friends.

Me @ 2012

before

 

and here’s me a little over a year ago after a very determined diet plan.

better

I felt WORLDS better!   Was starting to get more energy, my knees stopped hurting and I was looking forward to dressing up at events.

boat

 

Well,  hubby booked us on a cruise for March so I’m making resolutions to get back into shape for it.    Thankfully I’m not back in the shape of the first picture.. but have dwindled down to the point where I get winded easily.   I’m determined to make a difference in these upcoming months  (and this time…  to stay at that goal!)

Challenge, accepted 2016!   Let’s do this!

 

 

Why?

It’s the New Year and unlike my friends on facebook I didn’t post the obligatory “OMG HAPPY NEW YEAR” messages for all to see.    Because a friend of mine found out earlier yesterday that her brother had taken his own life.
Even as I’m typing this several hours after finding out myself from her my eyes are tearing up thinking about it.    My heart is breaking for her  and for her whole family.   What they must be going through right now.     WHY?  why do people do this to themselves and ultimately to the family and friends that love and care about them?!    I, myself have suffered depression (I still do in a lot of ways)  and have dealt with all of the horrible issues that go along with it….( and yes, I have uttered the words “the world would be better off without an eff up like me in it”   but I could never do that to my family and friends !  Never ever ever!  )    Leaving people behind to wonder if there could have been anything they could have done to make a difference.   Leaving people behind to blame themselves for your choices.

I don’t understand,  and never will.