this is a rant that may not make sense but it’s been on my mind for so long I just have to get it out. I don’t know if anyone else has had this problem before or if I really do give off a look that makes me look like an evil asshole. Whatever the case it’s something really hard to deal with and emotionally it hurts because I don’t really feel that I’m like that.
I will get comments just out of the blue
“Geez, what was that look for?”
“What’s the matter with you, Stacey?”
“I’ve been told by the other employees that you have been short with them today, you are really going to have to change your attitude?”
“WE already know what Stacey thinks, her expression tells it all!”
“What was that nasty look for?”
“I saw you driving in your car the other day and you looked so pissed off. I waved at you and you didn’t even see me. You don’t even smile when you are driving!”
There are more comments like that.. a lot more. And it happens all the time now. When I try to tell people that I am not upset all I get is “Uh huh… well your look says it all!” After a while I just give up trying to explain because I guess I do make some ugly looks. Ugly looks that tells the world how foul tempered and annoyed I am with everything. Why would people lie? So because of that to some, I am just an ass. An ass that always gives everyone dirty looks. Watch out for Stacey! she’s got an attitude problem! Remember my blog about first impressions? I’ve been a victim of that where I currently work. I think I’ve been pegged as the bitch so people tend of walk on eggshells around me. What do I do? What CAN I do? it seems like some people have already drawn up their own conclusions about me.
It’s enough to bring me to tears sometimes (most times) … I wish I could somehow film my expression for a week just to see what others see. I want to know why so many people think that of me. I am not that kind of person, I swear! I want to spend what little time I have left on this earth enjoying life, making people happy, helping animals and making friends… not constantly saying over and over again “I wasn’t making an ugly face”
I do get deep in thought a lot. Back when I was little I was a shy outcast. Not only did I have a pretty bad stuttering problem I also didn’t fit in with the popular crowd so I was happy sitting off by myself in elementary school playing with bugs or watching all of the other kids play. Occasionally one of the popular kids would walk up to me and say “What’s wrong with you? Are you weird?” I would just look down at my feet and say “I guess” I guess I was weird…. but I was happier being weird than considering myself that mean girl’s equal. Over the years I found my voice and became more social. I was still shy and wasn’t considered a social butterfly, but I made a small circle of friends and developed a pretty comical personality. I love to make people laugh, and I’ve been told before I am fun to work and hang out with.
However, it’s those other people that insist that I’m always giving off nasty looks that is making me rethink how I really am. Is it something I am doing subconsciously? am I fooling myself when I tell people that I really am happy? Do I really have that ‘ugly’ face that offends people and makes me not the kind of person people want to socialize with anymore?
It has almost gotten to the point where I have started hating what I see when I look in a mirror.
I am truly at a loss..