The following is a vent and nothing more. I’m not planning anything drastic or stupid so there is no need to worry. I just feel that if I keep all of these emotions bottled up for much longer it’s weighing on my health as well as my soul. Maybe if it’s all out I’ll be able to deal with it easier. At least I hope so.
Lately I’ve been having more issues staying motivated and finding things that keep my interest for any length of time. When I’m not at work, I feel like I am not accomplishing anything worth while and would much rather be sleeping . When I sleep I have a good chance of dreaming and my dreams have felt better to live in than reality. I forget things very easily now and I know I frustrate those close to me when I am scatterbrained and seem more ‘helpless’ because I can’t accomplish a simple task. I don’t know if this is typical of a midlife crisis, hormonal, an ‘uber’ form of depression or what because I don’t have anybody who would understand to ask… but things just don’t feel right. I don’t feel like the person I once was, and not knowing if this is just a temporary phase in my life is really scaring me. I keep hoping one day I’ll wake up and everything will be back to normal, but the longer this goes on it feels like that will never happen. It’s a very dark and lonely way to feel… and I don’t know how or why this happened.
I am happily married, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I could imagine my life with anyone else in it, but even he has changed towards me. He has a very stressful job and over time has allowed it to consume his life, both work and home. I’ve always supported him in his career paths and for the most part I don’t feel that I fit the stereotypical “nagging wife” definition.
I met him on the internet back before dating on the internet was a huge thing. I wasn’t looking for anybody but God knew I needed someone so there he was. Our first weekend meeting face to face was carefree and so, so amazing. We had a chance to get to know one another online before meeting face to face so that helped our meeting be less awkward overall. We spent a wonderful weekend in Lake Tahoe and without even needing to say it decided that we would spend the rest of our lives together. Now, all of the things that he said he loved about me back then seem to irritate him now. For instance, he said he used to love how spontaneous I was. We once made a pact to never fall into a routine. Why? Because routines are boring! We said no matter what curveballs were thrown at us in life, that we would do whatever we wanted because at heart we would always be young, even if one of us was in a wheelchair. “You keep me young” he once said, and I had a talent of making him laugh (I love to hear him laugh) A few months ago we were both wide awake on a Saturday night and I leaned into him and said “Let’s go to Denny’s!” When we lived overseas we would often make comments on how we missed good old American 24 hour diners so I figured my mentioning it may not end up with us going to Denny’s but may get a chuckle from him and remove his nose from his computer screen long enough for a short conversation. Instead, I got an annoyed sigh and the reply “NO, ARE YOU KIDDING? it’s TWO THIRTY IN THE MORNING!”. After that I just turned over and made myself fall asleep. That was the last time I ever suggested anything spontaneous.
I hope I am able to sort things out where I can be happier eventually. We have a vacation coming up and I’m hoping without the distractions of the internet and other electronics that maybe we can learn to fall in love with one another again. Start over again in a lot of ways..? I miss who I was a few years ago, back when I didn’t feel like I was always saying or doing the wrong thing and when the thoughts inside my head would come out of my mouth a lot easier. Back when I made people around me happy rather than frustrated and when I wanted to be awake rather than laying in bed on the weekends hoping to sleep straight through to Monday when I finally get to go back to work where I feel important and needed
I lost my parents way too early in life.. and right now I would give anything to be able to have them here now to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright.