that bit of time where you are left in the dark….alone

Received a message yesterday on my voice mail from the doctor’s to return their call regarding my routine mammogram I had last week.   They had told me when I was leaving that day that if they were concerned about anything I would get a phone call back almost immediately.    Otherwise I would get a letter in the mail,  so basically ‘no news would be good news’.   So they have news.   NEWS.   The first word that came to mind was “FUCK”   Any normal person would react the same way I have… fear of what they are going to say   The unknown.   ugh.   WHY did they have to be closed when I tried to call them back?  Oh yeah,  because even breast center employees even have to go home to their families every now and then.    Instantly my stomach started doing backflips and I wanted to throw up.      It brought back memories of when my mom called me at my apartment in Auburn and told me she was FINALLY going to the doctor after years and years of not having insurance coverage.  “I’m finally going to go have a total lookover!”  she told me excitedly.     Years after her divorce from my dad she had finally gotten her life together to move on.   Then a month or so later came her cancer diagnosis.   Once I heard her tell me that all I wanted to do was fly to her side and hug her until all the strength had left my body.

I’m not saying I’m jumping straight to the assumption that what they are going to tell me is a bad thing.     Maybe it’s all the memories of my experience with her paired with the unknown that has absolutely rendered me emotionally crippled.   How can someone NOT feel alone and scared when you get a message like that?     I spent all last night cuddled up with my dachshunds crying myself to sleep over and over again.   Daisy, my little girl found a comfortable little spot under my cheek and would lift her head to give me supportive kisses on my face.   Gads I love that little dog!

So now I get to go off to work and try to get into an automatic pilot mode in order to get through the day.  I think I can do it,  as long as I focus hard enough.    I guess I wanted to jot down these thoughts live from the abyss of the unknown so tonight when I look back on this after I get the ‘you’re just fine!” message from my doctor I can look back on it with a chuckle.    Because it will be funny…


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