Spring thoughts

Got out of the house today, did some shopping and took a drive.     With it being in the 70’s early last week,  then snowing a few days ago everyone seemed to have emerged from their house on this much sunnier day like a bunch of groundhogs.   Driving through the small downtown area where I live I  passed car after car with happy dogs hanging their heads out the window, people walking their dogs and jogging.  It was nice to just park and watch the world go by today,  kind of made me with I had taken my dogs along with me but maybe next time very soon!   They deserve to bask in a day like this too!    It reminds me of when we were in Germany and the weather would be cold, grey and rainy for weeks on end.   Then, one one sunny day you see everyone scrambling outside to take in the good weather before it went away back behind the clouds.  It always reminds me of a story that was once told to me in grammar school,   about schoolchildren on a planet that only saw the sun once in a lifetime.  One of the children would talk endlessly about how beautiful that day would be when it finally arrived and her schoolmates locks her in the broom closet as an innocent prank.   The sun suddenly rises and everyone is dazzled by the beauty and warmth of it all.    Then, as the sun sets all of the school children suddenly remember their friend who they had forgotten locked in the closet.   When they let her out she walks out slowly and looks up into the now darkened sky, every bit of light gone from sight.   She had missed her chance to see it,  (I just googled it and it’s called “All Summer in a Day”   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_Summer_in_a_Day   It’s funny how on days like this I always think of this story but never thought to look up the name until I decided to include it in this blog.

I have found myself talking just to hear myself talk and annoying everyone around me. Is it possible to lose your social skills when you go from having a regular circle of  friends to talk to, to having nobody that can relate to how you feel (or is possibly just sick of hearing you repeat things over and over again?) I used to have friends around me that I felt comfortable confiding in about everything.  I was also a pretty good listener.   Now I feel like my listening skills have dwindled because all I want to do is talk.   If I was on the receiving end of that I know  I would  be hella annoyed.. so I’ve just learned to repress it more. Keep it all to myself, for now at least and as a result   I’ve just wanted to sleep my weekends away.   Friday evening will come and I’ll look forward to just climbing into the safety of my bed with my dogs around me.  Saturday morning will turn to Saturday night,  then Sunday, Sunday night and then ready to start the workweek once again.   Unproductive but I’m fine with that now.   I don’t think I could stick with a project now even if I wanted to.   No idea why but right now I’m just not worrying about it,  I mean… there’s always next weekend,  or the weekend after that… or that…  or..  whenever..

This whole reconnecting with my stepmother and hearing actual facts about my dad instead of the things I’ve had to make up over the years in order to feel some form of closure has really blown my mind.   I don’t know how much longer my step mother is going to be around to talk to so I’ve been trying to ask as many questions that I can without sounding like a freak.  I also apologized to her for being such a giant pain in the ass back when I was a teen.   I didn’t take my parents’ divorce well at all and Donna dearly paid for it.   My dad really seemed happy with her so who am I to feel any ill will towards what they had?   They ended up together for a reason, and I feel that dad died happy having her in his life.  Soulmates.   I hope she accepts my apology and knows that it means the world to me to have reconnected with me after all of these years.  You really start to think about your own immortality when you look back and realize that most of your family has passed on.   It really does a number on your emotions and it’s completely drained me.   I know EVERYONE goes through a form of this at some point.   Whether or not I’m handling it well is yet to be seen.  I DO know I am not the person I was a year ago,  or even 6 months ago.    Something about me has changed,  my whole outlook on life is different.  I guess I’ll find out someday if that’s a good thing or not.

Having a few hours out in this sunny day felt good though.. it makes me want to take drives more often.

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