2.a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change._____________________________________________________________________________
When I started writing this I decided I wanted to look up the exact definition to the word “Rut”. It’s a common word used by people in the same mindset that I am right now. Lately I just have become a creature of habit and I feel like my life is in some sort of auto pilot mode. My motivation to do anything extra is dwindling away to nothing and it’s causing me to get really angry at myself for feeling that way. Can someone be self loathing for not meeting their OWN expectations?
I guess one thing I need to confess on here that’s most likely a huge part of it is this… even thinking about what I’m about to type makes me nauseous. I’m ashamed and furious at myself. For over a year now, my wedding ring has been lost. I have no idea where it is and losing that very special part of me literally has taken away a huge piece of my soul. It was last January, I had just returned back from Germany to rejoin Mike a little less than a month before and we were getting back to our regular routine. Our house still has a lot of unpacking and sorting to do, but a year ago it was a LOT worse. It’s a project that will most likely take years to complete, honestly. But anyway last year I had a lot of finger and feet swelling due to all the extra salt intake I used to do. I loved my salt! When my fingers would swell I would need to take my ring off because it would get too tight. At around the same time that I got back, a friend came to visit and stay with us for a couple weeks, so there were a couple nights of Malibu rum and pizza that were hazy. At the end of it all I realized I couldn’t find my ring anywhere. What the hell could have happened to it? Where did I set it? I feel I’ve scoured everywhere it could have been and it depresses me to the point where I need to push it out of my mind or I’ll cry. Losing that ring is the worst and most irresponsible thing I have ever done and it sickens me even thinking about it. I haven’t told many people this and I do know that I’m silently judged by some of the people I work with because I’m not wearing a ring. Well, there you go… I lost it like an idiot. It’s a feeling of failure. I keep hoping I will find it someday, set somewhere stupid that I never looked… but let’s face it… that probably won’t happen. I hate looking down at my hand and not seeing the symbol of my marriage glittering back at me. It breaks my heart I let this happen.
The other thing I’m in a rut over is keeping up on this blog. I love writing in it and sharing pictures. Problem is I have no access to a scanner to keep on getting pictures scanned to share. In fact, if you look at many of the previous photos I’ve shared they are of a low quality.. that reason is that I am having to take a picture of it with my CAMERA. Well, I’m sick of doing that so I am looking into other options. Looking online I’ve seen some services that will scan photos onto a CD for pennies per photo. Soon as I pick the right one to go through ( and I am open to suggestions, please) i’m going to get a large amount of them scanned so I can start getting back to doing this regularly. Doing this has been good for me… and I hate to let something so stupid like not having access to a scanner stop me from doing what I love.I wish I had a VPOTD to share but I don’t… but stay tuned. I need to get this worked out soon, for sanity’s sake.Blah.. that’s all i have to say.