“That’s the funny thing about being the youngest…..

I never knew a life without him”

I’m watching the TV show Resurrection tonight,   the oldest brother dies suddenly from a heart attack and this is what his younger brother says.   It got me to thinking…   that’s very well said and I can relate.    Being the youngest sibling it’s very easy to take for granted that those people in your life will always be there.  Unchanged, the same as they always have up until you lose them.  Not having her in my world still feels unnatural.  Regular  daily routines still have awkward gaps in them due to her not being a part of them.    Everybody.. and I mean EVERYBODY has silently wished they would see their loved ones ‘someday’ wherever we go when we pass on, and I am certainly no exception.   When you start losing people you love, you start to question your own mortality.   You start to slowly admit to yourself that death could happen at any time in any form,  and it’s frightening because that’s like admitting to yourself that you’re giving in.  That you’re showing vulnerability.     On especially difficult days my sister and I would talk on the phone sharing our emotions over missing our mom.    Sis had it harder because she watched mom deteriorate from the cancer right up until she died.   That was kept from me,  at no doubt my mother’s request.   I never saw her bed ridden and bald with her cheeks sunken in.   I never heard about the seizures or her descent into acting like a child again until years later from my sister.. and that was me prodding a lot.    There was a lot that she took to her grave with her.   Even though my heart wants to know what she went through, I am thankful I really don’t know.   We talked a  bit about death and if mom was watching over us.   We both believed she was.  It gives you a warm sort of comforting feeling when you think your loved ones are watching over you.   I think that’s the only way we can get through the days when we really are struggling with our grief.     With hope, lots of hope.

I didn’t mean for this entry to be so dark,  but that part of the TV show really got me to thinking.   We all paint our own pictures of heaven whether we choose to admit it or not.   If heaven is the way I am picturing it as,  then it must be a massive place… immense enough to give every one of us our own piece of paradise with our loved ones.

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