Ugh… been feeling really shaky most of the day. It could be I downed a soda (which I have sworn off since discovering “Apfelschorle”, an apple juice spritzer drink that is as addictive as it is delicious). If that’s the reason then, it’s all my fault. I also had an awful case of insomnia last night which had me up mindlessly playing Zynga’s “Slingo” until 4am or so. Insomnia doesn’t hit me very often but when it does it’s not kind. I’ve been trying to work on improvements for my life, stuff I’ve let sit dormant in the back of my mind for the longest time. I have all these goals now but it’s the getting motivated part i’m having a hard time with
In May of last year my sister passed away suddenly and much of the world I knew came crashing down with it. Now, it’s not that I’m not happy with my husband. I AM! VERY! He is my world. Someone i never thought i’d find after the kind of crazy life I had lived. I am blindly happy with him, it’s just that my sister was my last grip on the family I had always known as mine. Our mom passed away in March of 1998 and before that happened my sister Cindi and I had some pretty severe sibling rivalry conflicts. She thought mom loved me better than her because I was the baby. We rarely talked except when I phoned home to talk to mom and mostly it was “Hi, how are you? Oh.. is mom there?” As our mom wasted away from lung and brain cancer, Cindi took care of her until hospice came to take her away. Once she passed, Cindi and I bonded more than we ever had. We had conversations we should have had all along, planned things we would do once I visited and leaned on each other when we were going through tough times, or just missed mom.
Then she was gone.
I miss our phone calls. She would always call and ask me how I was doing. When my husband and I would go on trips or experience something interesting or fun I would share it with her and she would hang on every word. She called it living vicariously through me, and for that i wanted to live life as interesting as possible so I could share it with her. But then her, my muse was gone.. and I’ve been trying to find myself ever since.
I do have a small group of friends who really kept me together through this whole ordeal and for that I love them all with all my heart. When something tragic like this happens you really get to know who your real friends are. I know while I’m still trying to regroup my priorities those people will still be in my life ready to lend a shoulder or an ear. I had one ‘friend’ who after a really stupid misunderstanding told me “I tried to be supportive of you when your sister died but it proved to just be a waste of my time”. Needless to say that bitch has NO idea what it’s like to lose someone so close to you and even though I know you are supposed to be forgiving in life I have no sympathy for that person. That’s the worst thing you can say to someone. “I wasted my time being your friend when you needed one the most”. yeah, good luck in life. Bitch.
I really love blogging again! Just had to say that. I have a feeling once I get a lot of my thoughts sorted out this will be very therapeutic. That’s definately an improvement! 🙂